


Gym Class

by StarlitShadowHuntress



Category: Assassination Classroom
Genre: Gen, This isn't serious in the slightest, i only wrote this because i genuinely enjoy playing floor is lava
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-10
Updated: 2020-11-09
Packaged: 2021-03-06 08:08:05
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 10
Words: 13,626
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25820098
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/StarlitShadowHuntress/pseuds/StarlitShadowHuntress
Summary: Karasuma realizes very early on in the school year that E-class doesn't receive any perks, despite having to carry out the most high-stakes assassination anyone's ever done. He has the budget, and a claim he can make on his tax forms, so it's time to change that.(Also known as the story of Karasuma being a doting parent as the students slowly drive him insane through TikTok, ballroom dancing, and a few intense games of "the floor is lava")Written as part of the 2020 Big Bang!
Relationships: Irina Jelavić/Karasuma Tadaomi
Comments: 14
Kudos: 123





	1. Rock Climbing

“Good morning, Mr. Karasuma.”

“Good morning, Headmaster.”

“How has the first week been with the kids from E-class?”

He shrugs. “They seem like good kids.”

“Suitable for the line of work the military wants them to do?” He presses, intent on probing for more information.

“I’m not sure yet.” He replies, instead. “It might take me a little bit more time. Furthermore, I came here to discuss the matter of their physical activity.”

“Oh?” The headmaster asks, in a tone that signals he’s only half listening.

“Yes.”

“Is there something wrong with the activities that we have for E-class?” He asks, flipping a page, clearly bored of Karasuma already.

“Fundamentally, yes. I have no problems with the typical gym class activities.” He says. “Basketball, volleyball, and running, those all make perfect sense for the needs of middle schoolers, and fits the budgets laid out by the school. However,” he continues, “this isn’t a regular class of children. I’m supposed to take this class of students and turn them all into top notch assassins.”

“Is dodgeball not suitable for this?” Headmaster Asano asks, picking up a pen and making a quick note on paper. Karasuma doubts he’s actually writing anything worthwhile.

“To put it bluntly, no, it doesn’t. The government has already supplied them with weapons and ammunition, but other things, like stealth and endurance, cannot be built up unless special training, or access to better facilities is possible. I’m asking for permission to use school funds to give these students the access that will turn them into better assassins.”

“Is it really something that will help them in the long run?” The headmaster asks.

“Excuse me?”

He spins a pen around, answering in a neutral tone. “Quite frankly, students in E-class do not deserve special privileges provided to them by the school. Granting them opportunities that they do not deserve goes directly against the foundation that this school is built on. It goes without saying, if we grant the students these opportunities, or even offer funds for it, the E-class might start to think of themselves as better than they really are. We couldn’t have that. That would completely turn the school around. My sincerest apologies, Mr. Karasuma, but I do not approve of this. Please find some other way to turn the delinquent class into one of proper, upstanding, respectable assassins.”

He feels his jaw clenching, and forces it to relax before responding in as level a tone as possible. “Then please, Headmaster, allow us to use the entire mountain for our training. If we cannot access a gym, then we will have to take advantage of the terrain around the building.”

He nods. “I’ll allow that, so long as the students can keep the octopus a secret. I assume that will be all?”

“Yes. Thank you for your time.”

He leaves the school building and pulls out his cell phone. The kids in 3-E are not disobedient punks, and he’ll be damned if Asano gets his way.

“Kirin? Do you still have Mr. Sato’s phone number? Not that one, the Sato that owes me a favour. The Sato who lives in Tokyo. That Sato. Yes. Give him a call for me, will you? I’m going to need his help. While you’re at it, can you please get in touch with Mrs. Mori from Kyoto, Ms. Kondo from Hokkaido, and Steve in HQ.” He pauses. “Actually, call Steve last, once everything’s been sorted with the others. I’ll send you more details soon.”

The sun rises over Kunugigaoka junior high school as Karasuma runs up the dirt road. When he reaches the top, he looks back at the main building.

He’s giving his kids the education that they deserve for their bright futures, class system be damned.

* * *

“Mr. Karasuma, are you sure about this?” Kataoka asks, staring at him, before her eyes drift to the wall.

He nods. “Go on, kids. Climbing wall’s all yours until the class at 5:30.”

“Are you sure this isn’t too much trouble for you?” Isogai follows. “Renting out a place like this definitely isn’t cheap, unless the military is funding it.”

He shakes his head. “Funding has nothing to do with it. I noticed that there’s a few good spots on the mountain to practice climbing, but I wanted to make sure you were all comfortable with the idea first. Don’t worry about money. The manager owed me a favour anyways.”

He tries to ignore the whispers from his students that he’s involved with a Yakuza boss. “Are you just going to sit there and gossip, or do I have to force you on the wall myself?”

They move a lot faster after that, changing into climbing shoes and staring at the wall, brightly decorated with large grips.

“Karasuma-sensei…” Okuda says, quietly, “I’ve never done this before. What are we supposed to do? Are there rules?”

“Climb the wall, following the coloured stones.” He says. “Each colour represents a different route to get to the top.” He reaches to tap a blue stone surrounded by green tape. “For example, if I’m taking this blue route, I’d put my hands here, my feet on these blue ones near the ground, and-”

He scales the bouldering wall in about half a minute, taps both his hands on the rock on top, then climbs down, sticking the landing on the soft mats when he’s gotten a bit closer. “And just make sure nobody’s underneath or overtop of you when you climb. I don’t need you kids getting hurt if someone falls on you.” He says, dusting off his hands. “That’s how it’s done, stay safe, have fun, and don’t climb higher than the taped line on the wall unless you’re strapped to a belay device. Ask for help from one of us if you want to do more than just bouldering.”

* * *

As he watches the kids leave, complaining about their sore arms and tight muscles, he smiles.

This was fun. Who else owes him a favour?


	2. Laser Tag

“I’ll assume you kids know how to play laser tag and spare the instructions this time.” Karasuma says, standing before the class, equally divided amongst two teams, already suited up. “This is just so you get more familiar with holding guns and sneaking around in bulky armour, useful tools to have in your back pocket for an assassination. Of course, real armour and guns are heavier, but this is a nice start.”

“Which side will you be playing on, Mister Karasuma?” Toka Yada asks. “You don’t have a gun yet!”

“I’ll be observing all of your progress in the room behind that door.” He says, pointing to it. “I’m your teacher, not a fellow player. I can get a good look at your skills by watching you, and if it turns out that some of you have an aptitude for guns, I’ll make sure to change the curriculum of gym class to suit that. And if none of you are good, then we'll do more knifework. This is a chance for you to show me what your skills are.”

* * *

As it stands, there were some students who had an aptitude for guns or strategy. He watched as Isogai led a group of four in a tight formation around the perimeter, grinned when Okano took advantage of her athleticism to make impossible shots, and took special notice of Chiba and Hayami, easily the best with guns from afar.

“I love this so much!” A very familiar, top secret voice exclaimed from behind him. “The camaraderie, the drama, the strategies that they’re trying, it just makes my heart melt!”

“You’re a state secret. What the hell are you doing here?“ He asks, trying to keep his voice even.

“These moments are what youth is supposed to be like! Nothing but unbridled fun and a safe level of violence for teens!”

“Get out, you.”

“You’re really ruining the moment, Mister Karasuma!”

* * *

“Can’t believe he took us out for laser tag.” Tomohito Sugino says, stretching. “And we get the rest of the afternoon off? Best gym session ever.”

“Hey, we’re just getting started.” Karma replies. “I wouldn’t count my chickens just yet. Think of how many people owe him favours.” A devilish grin spreads across his face. “What kind of blackmail did he have to dig up for all of this cooperation? I wonder who else he knows.”

“I sure hope we get to learn gymnastics.” Nagisa says. “You guys all saw how cool Okano looked flipping around the room.”

“And it’s a stereotypically female sport, so you’d fit right in!”

“Karma!”

“I’m starved!” Tomohito exclaimed. “Let’s get a snack before we head to the arcade. You guys are still good tonight, yeah?”

“I’ve got nothing better to do.” Nagisa supplies. “I don’t have to be home until six anyways.”

“Awesome.”

* * *

“Stupid claw game!” Tomohito curses at the box in front of him, where the claw had once again dropped the baseball keychain that he had been trying to get.

“Just give it up.” Karma says, lazily swinging a Sonic Ninja keychain around his finger. “Not everyone can be good at claw games, and that’s your fifth try.”

“Once more!” He insists, dropping another coin into the machine to start it up again. Karma leans over to whisper in Nagisa’s ear.

“I bet five-hundred yen he doesn’t get it this time either.”

* * *

Now five-hundred yen richer, Nagisa points to the other side of the arcade. “Dance Dance Rebellion is open! Let’s go!”

Tomohito gives a good natured laugh and follows the shorter boy. “Only if we choose a song with an easy mode!”

Karma follows them until he stops. Is that…

“Kanzaki-san?”

“Oh! Hi, Karma!” She says with a smile. “Are you here alone?”

She’s seated in a shooting game, and is currently hitting all of her on-screen targets despite facing him and starting a conversation. Karma sees it immediately. This chick is insanely good.

“I’m here with Shiota and Tomohito. They’re at DDR.”

“Sounds like fun!” She says. And she keeps shooting, only taking occasional glances at the screen.

“If only our target was a digital zombie, eh?” He jokes, now acutely aware of how good Kanzaki is. She chuckles.

“If only! Maybe then I’d have the guts and the aim to kill him!” She chuckles. Her game ends, and her score is displayed on the screen. Karma’s eyes go wide.

“Holy shit.” He announces, as the game machine spits out prize tickets like a broken printer. “That’s a big number.”

Kanzaki rises from the seat. “It’s not my best, but I guess it’s not bad. Can I join you guys at Dance Dance Rebellion?”


	3. Curbstomping

“Good morning, Headmaster Asano!”

“Good morning, Ren, Yasuhiro, how are both of you doing?”

“Excited for this mentoring experience, sir! Shall we head over to A-class right now?”

“I was just wondering why you had us sign those non-disclosure agreements before we came in to meet you?”

The headmaster chuckles. “Oh, right. You’re going to be assigned to E-Class. The NDA forms are for protecting the Japanese government’s biggest secret.”

“Sir? Since when has the E-class required secrecy?”

* * *

“Now, students, remember that you have to be polite to your mentors. They’re busy university students who are taking the time out of their days to help steer you in the right direction and offer their wisdom! Now is the time to learn as much from them as possible! It's not every day you get the chance to meet new people in such a positive environment!”

“Yes, Koro-sensei.” The class responds, with the enthusiasm of five-year olds being ordered to sit still.

“Who are we getting?” Professor Jelavic asks. “I hope at least one of them’s cute.”

“There’s Ren, a literature and history student. She’s twenty-one and graduated from B-class.” Karasuma supplies, reading off his sheet. “There’s also Yasuhiro, who’s a graduate student in Biology. He plans on going to America for medical school next year. Assuming, of course,” he adds, with a pointed look at the innocent-looking yellow octopus in the room, “that the world still exists next year.”

“They’re heading up the hill right now!” Koro-sensei adds, slipping on his human disguise. “Shall we give them the assassination classroom greeting?”

* * *

“So, these kids are tasked with becoming assassins.” Ren says, out of breath from the hike. She ought to be in better shape, they’re only halfway up, for god’s sake. “And that’s Japan’s biggest secret? That they’re training to be deadly?”

“There’s also the fact that their teachers are crazy too.” Yasuhiro says, taking a heavy swig from his energy drink. He’s equally winded, which makes Ren feel a little better. “You’ve got a real assassin, a guy from the military, and this state secret who only retired from assassination to teach these kids? They’re training to hit him, and they can only graduate once they land a successful hit with these dummy knives. The EU even donated a robot AI locked and loaded full with artillery! And I thought being twelve was hard enough without all of the added pressure.”

“This must be new.” Ren says. “There’s no way the E-class that I bullied was secretly training assassins. Given the things I said, and the temper of most middle-school kids, I would have been killed that year.”

“Same.” Yasuhiro replies, stopping to catch his breath. “If they were training assassins back when I was here, either they all had super good patience and kind hearts, or the assassination training was shitty to the point that nobody was even a half-decent assassin and they were all a bunch of cowards.” He stops talking. “Not like anyone in E-class in my year went to jail for murder, or went on to be a killer-for-hire. I would have heard about it.” He pulls the blunt ‘knife’ out of his bag and starts bending the soft plastic. “These dummy weapons wouldn’t hurt a fly. I get that they have to land a practice hit on their teacher to graduate, and now that’s part of our job too, but who are these kids even supposed to kill once they surpass their teachers?”

“Dunno, they might just get shipped off to all corners of the world to work as professional hitmen for the government.” Ren continues, dismissing the rustling in the bushes as local wildlife. “And what kind of career is that? I mean, my E class was full of idiots and violent rebels, but there’s no way any of them could have made out to be more than delinquents. Assassins? This is going to look so bad if we ever get traced back to them!”

“I’m just in this for the volunteer hours, to be honest. American medical schools place a huge focus on volunteerism and philanthropy. Surely helping out a class of degenerates is going to look good on my application. Unless they all end up on trial for murder.”

He doesn’t get to keep talking, because it is at that moment that the E class descends upon their newest playthings.

* * *

“I’m so sorry!” the teacher in front of them apologizes, bowing frantically when they both come to. “They weren’t trying to hurt either of you!”

“No,” a blonde girl in the back says, shaking her head. “We definitely were. Couldn’t stand you guys shitting on E-class for another moment. So we beat you up and knocked you out, simple as that.”

“It’s fine.” Yasuhiro says, rubbing his throbbing temples. “We weren’t expecting to get beat up by a bunch of twelve-year olds. Guess we should have clued in, given that you guys are called the assassination classroom. I’m Saito Yasuhiro, by the way. And this is-”

“Honda Ren! I’m a humanities major at Saitama University!” She says, trying to smile through the pain of multiple roundhouse kicks.

“Great to meet you. I’m Mr. Karasuma.” The other teacher says. He looks stern. "I'm sorry you got hurt."

“I would apologize for my students,” The pretty teacher starts, “but they were defending their honour. I’ll let it slide. They're only practicing, after all.”

“Right.” Ren says slowly, reaching into her pocket. “And which one of you goes by Koro-sensei? We’re supposed to try and kill you, as part of our agreement with Headmaster Asano. By the way, where’s my wallet?”

The redheaded boy sticks his tongue out and holds it up. “Is it really a wallet if there’s no money in it? I’d call it a glorified pouch for your driver’s license.”

The wallet is returned with lightning fast efficiency and another apology from the teacher kneeling in front of them.

“I am Koro-sensei! Please try your best to kill me before graduation!” He announces, fixing his hair.

Yasuhiro squints and leans over to Ren. “He’s gotta be the big secret. Look at how fast he moves.”

“He’s only got two and a half fingers on each hand, too.” She notes. “Must have been involved with the yakuza at some point, or lost them some other way. This guy means business.”

Yasuhiro hears the kids around him muttering.

“Do you think they haven’t noticed yet?”

“He’s trying so hard to hide it, but it’s so bad. And yet, I don’t think they see it?”

“Still though, it’s pretty obvious, isn’t it?”

“Seems like it’s fooling them, hook, line, and sinker.”

“So, how are we supposed to prep a bunch of would-be assassins for college applications?” Ren asks, breaking the awkward silence. “I doubt there’s professional hitmen school. Are you guys all trying to join gangs for your futures? No offense, but I wasn't aware the bosozoku required a high school certificate.”

“No.” The stern teacher says. “You're wrong, and they're not going to go into gangs in the future, they're trying to get their best shot in life, same as you. Assassination is more like, supplemental education. These kids are still trying their hardest to get into professional, honest lines of work. You are welcome to join us in our attempts to kill the octopus, though.”

Ren blinks. “Octopus? You mean Koro-sensei? He’s not an octopus. That’s a human man. Is it another nickname? Was it his codename in an old gang?”

“Best students Japanese higher education has to offer, huh?” someone mutters.

“Hey, cut them some slack. Perception doesn’t equal wisdom and all.”

Ren and Yasuhiro get the impression that there’s more to 3-E than meets the eye.

“We’ve got nothing planned until gym class this afternoon.” The blonde teacher purrs in a way that really shouldn’t be appropriate for a learning environment. “Feel free to take this time to… get to know the students that you’re responsible for.”

* * *

“Shouldn’t you be telling us about the admissions process?” The male class representative asks. Ren ignores him.

"No kid, shush. I wasn't done talking yet. So anyway, there I was, 3 hours of sleep the night before, an empty brain, and a completely blank midterm. I napped through my midterm and nobody woke me up." She chuckles to herself. “The prof had a good laugh and allowed me to retake it, since I was doing so well with everything else and this was obviously a silly mistake, but I’ve never heard the end of it from my friends. And that’s why you listen to your teachers when they tell you a good night’s sleep is important.”

On the other side of the classroom, Yasuhiro is surrounded by the other students.

“So you’re okay with us wanting to kill our teacher?” a nerdy little girl, who introduced herself as Okuda Manami, asks.

“Trust me, I’ve been there.” He replies, cracking open his third can of coffee that morning. “I have some choice words to say about the committee members who gave Professor Sato their PhD, their tenured position at school, and the right to teach calculus. If I had the chance, you can bet I’d be all for it. Should I be watching my language around you kids, by the way?”

The girl with green hair shakes her head. “We’re kids, but we’re not that young. You can say fu-.”

A loud, dramatic gasp erupts from the teacher. “You absolutely may NOT say the fudge word!” He announces, holding up a comb and hair gel. “Bad words are not conducive to learning! Whoever says dirty words in this classroom gets an embarrassing hairdo!”

“We’d need to sit still for that to happen, wouldn’t we?” Yasuhiro mutters. Curiosity piqued, he whispers a quiet “shit” under his breath. With a gust of wind, his messy brown hair has been combed and styled as if he’s going to a wedding. “What the fuck?” He asks, and with another gust, it’s been spiked into a mohawk. The tips have even been coloured red. The kids are laughing at him now.

“Oh, ye of little faith.” The blonde girl says with a smirk. “You saw how fast he was earlier.”

“He’s impossibly fast for a human.” He notes, once again getting funny looks. “No human should be that fast.”

“You still haven’t noticed?” Okuda asks. Before he can respond, Karasuma re-enters.

“Gym time!” He announces. “Get changed, and get onto the field! Move it!”

* * *

“Hey, Koro-sensei, can we try to kill you while your students are at gym class?” Ren asks. “It’s kind of our job here, aside from mentoring.”

He doesn’t move from his chair.

“Sir?” Yasuhiro asks.

“Go right on ahead!” He announces cheerfully. “I will stay in this room! I’ll bet you can’t even land a scratch on me!”

Yasuhiro looks at his unmoving target, fingers curling around the weird plastic knife.

Both students sit in the office five minutes later, winded and newly groomed. The teacher seems to have taken on a greenish and yellow tint, which Yasuhiro is counting as a half-win in his book, because being sickly is a step towards being dead.

“Thought it was just the caffeine making me see things, but dang, you’re good.” He says. Koro-sensei preens.

“Even mentors have room to learn and grow.” He offers. “You might even learn it from the people you’re responsible for. How about you go out and join the kids as they do their drills? I’m sure they would appreciate a new sparring partner.”

Ren looks out the window. “Eh.” She shrugs. “Mr. Karasuma and Professor Jelavic are both pretty good looking. I’ll go out, but I didn’t bring a change of clothes, so don’t expect me to move very much.”

“That’s fine!” He grins, shoving both of the students out of the door. “Have fun at gym class!”

They look at each other before breaking into identical grins.

“This is gonna be a heck of a mentoring experience, huh?”

“Tell me about it. Part of me is actually excited about it now.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The idea that the college students don't recognize that Koro-sensei is himself is frankly hilarious to me and I will continue to write it this way.


	4. Parkour

“Ugh, can't we get one weekend to ourselves anymore?”

“Shut up and do your math, Terasaka.” Yoshida mutters, working through his own practice problems.

“Come on, it wasn’t that hard.” Kirara gloats as she slurps down her reward. “I finished all of my practice problems ages ago. And Muramatsu, this tonkotsu broth tastes like a squirrel threw up in it. Don’t use that much MSG next time. The noodles are no better, you used too much alkaline water and cooked them for too long, now they’re bitter and way too soft. Okayu has more structural integrity than this sad excuse for food. I’m only eating this because I’m crashing at your place for the weekend.”

“Some charitable houseguest you are, Hazama.” Takuya responds, although he does take the noodles out a half-minute earlier for Itona’s batch. Itona graciously accepts the bowl, sucks in a spoonful of soup, and promptly spews it back out again.

“Dude! Come on!” Yoshida complains, shaking what he can out of his hair and homework. “What’s the deal?”

“He made sweetened chicken ramen!” Itona replies, pointing an accusatory finger at Takuya. “That’s the worst way to ruin chicken ramen!”

“I made it because I thought you might still have a sweet tooth like Koro-sensei!” He shoots back. “Excuse me for trying to be considerate and accommodating of my friend’s potential needs by adding some sugar to your broth! How the hell am I supposed to know what residual side effects tentacles have? This isn’t something I can just ask Ritsu about!”

“Ah, the sacrifice that some people will make for culinary greatness are endless!” A figure sitting alone in a booth announces. The group’s eyes all narrow as they turn to their target.

“What the hell are you doing here?”

“Language, Terasaka-kun. It’s not like I’m unaware of your attempts to help Muramatsu-kun by taste-testing his recipes, but you need to give him some credit! He’s trying his best and being experimental! I think that’s a really admirable quality!”

“Aw, thanks, Koro-sensei.” Takuya says. “That’s really sweet. You can have Itona’s bowl, and I can remake his.” He offers. “Wait! Let me add some extra sugar to it!”

Their teacher’s eyes light up before narrowing. “You don’t plan on sneaking poison into the ramen, do you?”

“No.” He replies, less than convincing.

“Right. I think I’ll take it at whatever sweetness it’s already at.” Koro-sensei says, grabbing the bowl and deftly avoiding the knives and bullets of his students. “I’ll get it to-go!” He announces, leaving with a rush of wind and an emptied bowl, the styrofoam tower of takeout containers still wobbling.

“Any idea what we’re doing in gym class next week?” Taisei asks, when the silence becomes awkward.

“Does anyone really know what we’re doing in class, Yoshida? Knowing Karasuma, maybe he’s taking us to shoot real guns?” Itona offers.

“I hope it’s learning how to drive so we can have cool getaway cars.” Kirara adds. “I’ve been obsessed with the latest Speedy and Seething movie. Dwayne The Stone Jackson? Van Deisel? It’s got everything.”

“You’re both wrong.” Terasaka says, not looking up from his homework. “He said we’re going to a parkour gym to practice our moves.” He continues working on his problems, and finally notices the silence that has fallen over the group. “And what the hell is everyone so quiet for?” He asks, looking up. His friends share matching looks of tender haughtiness. He’s about to get rudely insulted.

“Someone’s a nerd.”

“Thought I was hallucinating the homework, but you actually listened to Karasuma? Who are you?”

“He’s going soft. We need a new stupid person to be our leader. Anyone know a different stupid person? Anyone about to volunteer to lower their IQ for the sake of the team?”

“What else, you gonna try out for the mathletes this semester too? Join a little boy’s choir? Are you gonna start volunteering at animal shelters?”

“It’s not like that!” He bellows. “I just want my ramen!”

This does nothing to convince his friends, but he does get his shoyu ramen with some extra bean sprouts and meat.

“For daddy’s favourite student.” Takuya says, serving it with a grin. “To celebrate you getting on the honour roll!”

“Piss off, Muramatsu!” He shouts, to the background noise of his friends snickering.

* * *

The parkour gym is pretty small, and relatively close to the mountain, which makes the jog that the students are forced to take a bit more bearable.

“Get off that damn phone, Itona.” Taisei huffs. “You’re going to drop it.”

“Nuh uh.” He replies, wiggling his free hand. “Tentacle juice gave me sticky fingers.”

“I don’t know enough about synthetic octopus biology to argue against that,” Takuya mutters, “but I’m at least 30% certain you’re just messing with us.”

“Ha.”

“What are you even-” Kirara asks, looking over Itona’s shoulder. “TikkTok? Really?”

“The dances are cool!” He argues.

“No way, Hazama, don’t trust him.” Ryoma pants. “He’s in it for the hot girls and the boobs.”

Itona flushes a furious red and shuts up, but he still doesn’t let go of the phone.

* * *

“Hey, can you film me flipping off this platform?”

“Whatever for?”

“Tikktok.”

Nagisa rolls his eyes, but acquiesces. “Are you sure, Itona? Are people even going to want to watch you attempting parkour?”

“Don’t know, don’t care.” He mutters.

Nagisa films him flipping, then shows the other boy the footage.

“Damn it, you got Okano in the frame! Everyone will be focused on her instead of me! Can you do this again?”

“Sure.”

* * *

“We should put some of our parkour on Tikktok.” Itona suggests during their next weekend at Muramatsu’s.

Taisei stifles a groan. “Again with that app?”

“It’s fun! We don’t even have to show our faces, I just thought it would be fun to do as a group!”

“We’re not even that good at dancing.” Kirara mutters, chewing her over salted noodles.

“Doesn’t have to be a dance video. If I edit all of our flips together, we might be able to make something cool.”

“Can I do some bike stunts?”

“You can definitely do bike stunts.”

“Will you guys shut up about TikkTok? I forgot to take my adderall today, and I can’t focus on this goddamn stats problem unless you stop talking!”

“Look who’s trying to be the teacher’s pet.” Takuya croons, ruffling Ryoma’s hair. “We’ll shut up, sorry, baby. Want me to put on some lo-fi?”

“Please do.”

* * *

“These fake stunts are so stupid!”

“Shut up and pose after you land, Terasaka.”

* * *

“Holy shit.” Koki mutters, as he watches the screen. “You guys really worked hard on this. The edits are really clean.”

“Thanks, Mimura.” Itona preens. “At least you believe it looks nice.”

“And you’re already at a couple hundred views! Not bad.”

* * *

“Hey, did you hear?” Yasuhiro asks Ren while on their bimonthly hike. “Some of these kids got big on TikkTok.”

“Yeah, I guess kids these days like watching parkour and stunt videos these days. Gotta say, I’m impressed. I wonder what they’re gonna do next?”

* * *

“-And we’re gonna use the cash we get from killing our teacher to pay for a Japanese Hype House!” Yoshida announces. “Who knew so many Japanese teens like watching us put together stunt videos?”

“If we get big enough for an American audience, I bet we’ll be able to buy one in California! I’ve always wanted to go to the states!” Muramatsu says, stars in his eyes.

“That means Itona gets to meet all of his pretty celebrity crushes!” Hazama adds, elbowing him. 

“Does this make us influencers?” Terasaka asks. “We have to just start random beef with makeup blogs and celebrities now, right? Those are the rules?”

“At least they’re dreaming big.” Yasuhiro mutters to Ren as he fiddles with the strap of his bag. “I haven’t had that kind of motivation since I got rejected from med school last year. By the way, Muramatsu, you wanted some advice on making healthy meals while you’re in college?”

“Yes please, although I suppose when we get super rich we’ll be able to hire our own personal cooks.”

“Yeah, sure, but until then-” he digs around his schoolbag and tosses the boy a drink in a travel mug. “This is what I have when I’m on the go at school. It’s fruit, milk, a scoop of protein powder, and oreos. Bam. There’s your full, balanced meal.”

“Aren’t you lactose intolerant?”

“Yes, but that’s not important. So, Muramatsu, what do you think?”

He cautiously lifts the lid of the mug. “I dunno, it kind of smells like-”

“Like those fruit-flavoured oreos.” Kirara supplies. “Or maybe the kitkats. Either way, not exactly the best balanced meal you’re trying to promote.”

“Hey, I never said it’s the best, I said that it was cheap, keeps me awake, and technically has all the food groups in it. I’m a university student. You can’t expect me to balance my grades with five-star food every day.”

“There’s no fiber in that.” Itona adds.

“He doesn’t need fiber if the lactose-intolerance means he’s blowing chunks on the toilet each time he has a drink.” Terasaka replies.

“Even I’m worried.” Yoshida says. “A cup of that for every meal, and that’s gonna have all your arteries clogged before you even get accepted into med school. How are you even still standing?”

“Spite and caffeine, kid. Spite and caffeine. By the way, have you taken a look at Koro-sensei today? Is it just me or is he balding badly and trying to hide it with the hat?” Yasuhiro asks.

“His nose looks a little more flat today, too.” Ren adds.

“Are you guys serious?” Terasaka splutters. “He forgot to put in the effort today and you guys still don’t see it?”

“See what?” Yasuhiro asks dumbly. “I mean, you don’t just mention this kind of stuff to his face, that’s super rude.”

“Exactly!” Ren adds. “Like, we’re happy to be here offering you kids advice and all, but your teacher’s got insane ears. Who knows what kind of hairstyles we’d get if we started saying he looks a little sickly today?”

The door to the classroom bursts open, with the teacher in question standing in the doorway. “Sickly??” He exclaims.

“He’s looking a little bloated, too.” Ren mumbles. “And is that jaundice setting in?”

“JAUNDICE?” The teacher screams, hands flying up to his face.

“Could be. What’s his nutrient supply look like? Is he a heavy drinker? It might be worth going to the hospital for a check up, this could be something serious like hepatitis or some other permanent liver damage.” Yasuhiro says, pushing up his glasses.

“LIVER DAMAGE? AND IT’S PERMANENT?”

“Has he gotten all of his routine shots? Hepatitis is a pretty big one.”

“SHOTS?” Koro-sensei yells, before promptly collapsing into a heap by the doorway.

“He’ll be fine!” Nagisa says, writing something down in his little notebook. He closes it and turns to the pair with an unsettling smile. “He’s always had a bit of a yellow undertone, and I guess you just noticed it today. Thanks for helping us find out one of his weaknesses!”

Ren and Yasuhiro leave the class feeling nothing but confusion.

* * *

“Alright, guys, try out this new recipe for a drink!”

“Isn’t this just Saito-kun’s recipe, but you turned it into bubble tea?”

“Yeah, but I took out the protein powder. That’ll be an extra fifty yen upgrade when we start selling it for real.” He smiles widely. “I’m gonna rake in the big bucks!“

“Gotta make it taste better than this if you want to cut a profit.” Yoshida smirks. He gets a wet towel thrown in his face for his efforts. The ramen shop fills with the sounds of rambunctious students doing what they do best.

Melting their teacher’s heart.


	5. Gymnastics

“What a rush!” Hinata whoops, as she completes a double salto off the uneven bars. “I’ve missed having access to a real olympic gym!”

“How are you even doing that with your body, Okano?” Meg calls, struggling to keep herself up on the rings. “My arms and core are killing me!”

Toka laughs as she launches herself off the trampoline. “I think you just chose the hardest piece of equipment, Kataoka! It’s a breeze if you pick something easier, just look at Professor Bitch!”

Sure enough, there’s their teacher, strutting like a model on the balance beams, in a pair of platform stilettos.

“Weren’t you supposed to take your shoes off at the entrance?” Karasuma asks as he steps in sync behind her, dryly.

“Oh, these are just my indoor shoes.” She purrs, still walking. “What’s the point of a catwalk if it’s not occupied by a pretty pussycat like myself?”

“These are balance beams, and you should still respect this space.”

“Please, Karasuma. If anything, I’m blessing this space with my presence.”

It is at this exact moment that two things happen. First, Meg loses her grip on the rings and falls onto the soft mats with a loud grunt. Second, Professor Bitch teeters on her heel and her ankle turns, forcing Karasuma to step right behind her to keep her steady. Toka makes sure Meg is alright before directing her attention to her teachers. Karasuma catches her staring and jumps away from Professor Bitch, who winks at her.

Of course she did that on purpose.

* * *

“Honestly, the way those two look at each other, you would have thought something would have happened by now!” Toka says, once they’ve left the gymnastics centre.

“Right?” Hinata agrees. “Maybe something is happening, but they’re trying to keep it on the down-low so that we aren’t distracted! I’ll bet they’re dating, but in secret, so they have to settle for shooting each other those intense looks while we’re in class, and-”

“Please stop being creepy about our teachers.”

“Come on Meg,” Hinata says, tugging on her arm. “you can’t deny that there’s something there! Just because we don’t know what it is, doesn’t mean you can’t feel it!”

“The only thing I want to feel right now is the air conditioning in the mall.” Meg replies, shaking off her friend’s arm. “Let’s go.”

* * *

“Do you think this skirt looks good on me?” Toka asks, giving a little spin when she steps out of the changing room.

“It looks alright,” Meg notes, “but I think getting it in black would suit you more.” She turns to Hinata, who is checking out different patterned shirts. “What do you think, Okano?”

“Does it have pockets?”

She pats around before sighing. “No.”

“Then you’re not getting it!” she replies. “Gotta have pockets! How else are you gonna hide your weapons?”

“Maybe I don’t need weapons when I go out wearing this skirt!”

“What kind of self-respecting young woman purposefully leaves her weapons at home?”

“Alright, that’s enough.” Meg interjects. “If you really like the skirt, you can sew some pockets into it. There’s a seam down the side that you should be able to take apart and fit a pocket into. Are we good? Can we please move on to another store?”

Her friends envelop her in a tight hug. It’s hard work, holding all of the brain cells so your friends can have fun, but Meg would never complain about it.

* * *

“Why didn’t you pick anything out, Meg?” Yada asks while they’re sitting in the food court, having a quick bite to eat.

“I get most of my clothes from stores that cater to boys.” She replies simply.

“What? That’s possible?” Okano asks.

She shrugs. “They fit my body better. My proportions aren’t exactly easy to shop for in the girls’ section. Plus, I like pants that already come with pockets.”

“Have you always been shopping at the guys’ section?”

“Nah. Believe it or not, I used to dress super girly. My parents loved doing my hair, and I loved wearing frilly dresses and pretending I was a princess.” She smirks. “It all kind of stopped once I started swimming competitively and doing more training for it. I got super broad shoulders, shot up in a sudden growth spurt, and I don’t exactly have the supermodel figure going on. I still like wearing dresses, but it feels awkward for me now.” She finishes her hamburger. “Kind of a downgrade now, huh?”

“Absolutely not.” Hinata says, grabbing her friend’s hand. “Please, gender is a social construct anyways! We’re assassins. All we get judged on is how well we use the weapons we’re trained with. Do whatever makes you happy!”

“Exactly!” Toka agrees, grabbing her other hand. “Like, I’m not particularly strong, but look at all that I’ve learned from Professor Bitch! She’s taught me so much about conversation and flirting that I feel like I could master an infiltration mission!”   
Meg nods. “By the way, I just saw Professor Bitch and Mr. Karasuma walk that way. Together.”

“You what?”

* * *

“You realize you’re making us easy targets.” Karasuma deadpans, hands full of shopping bags as they walk through the mall.

“Of course. I’m making it easy for Yada-san to catch on.” She flips her hair over her shoulder and winks at the man. “Besides, you’ve been taking it easy on the kids too.”

The reaction is immediate. “No I haven’t.”

“Oh, you’re just too easy to read. That’s part of what makes this so fun.”

* * *

“Look at how close they’re walking to each other!” Toka whispers into her cellphone. “It’s a date for sure!”

“I doubt that.” Meg responds into her own phone, from the other side of the store. “See how he’s just carrying her bags? She isn’t even asking for his opinion on what she wants to buy! Looks more like he’s just the pack mule so she doesn’t have to carry anything.”

“You guys are no fun! You’ve got to make use of all the resources at your disposal.” Hinata says. “Ritsu, can you monitor their resting heart rates through their phones?”

“I can certainly try!” The mobile version of their friend responds, before disappearing off the screen.

“It’s totally a date!”

“How scandalous!”

“Please stop being creepy.”

* * *

“Alright, they’ve definitely noticed us by now.”

“Oh, trust me, I know.” She responds, looking at the different pairs of high heels on display. “Yada-san is behind that mannequin, Kataoka-san is hiding in the racks behind the cash register, and judging by the way your fitbit screen flashed on when you haven’t made an effort to look at it, Okano-san has asked Ritsu to join in on the fun.” She grabs his arm and speaks directly into the watch. “Hi Ritsu! Didn’t your AI programmers ever tell you that it’s rude to collect biometrics without consent?”

The screen of Karasuma’s smartwatch shuts off.

“That’s what I thought.” Irina hums. “Well, consider me impressed by their ingenuity.”

“Alright, isn’t this enough fun for today? You just wanted to see how their stealth training has been progressing. You seem impressed. Are we done yet?”

“Of course not!” She sings, practically skipping away from the shoes. “There’s still the hair and makeup section of this store!”

* * *

“K, but they’re going out for sure.”

“Oh yeah, if the way Karasuma turned red when Professor Bitch grabbed their arm is any indication, they’re dating.”

“They’re checking out now. If Karasuma makes a motion to pay, we’ll know for sure.”

“Oh, Meg, your skepticism will be your undoing some day.”

Meg smiles as Karasuma doesn’t even reach for his wallet, despite her teacher’s best efforts to convince him otherwise.

“Maybe someday,” she agrees, “but definitely not today.”

* * *

“You know, I wasn’t kidding when I said you were being nicer to the kids.” Irina says, once the two of them have gotten into a taxi. Living close to each other gives certain benefits, such as the ability to share rides home.

“To be honest, I feel like I’ve been pushing them harder since these extra gym classes started.” He responds.

She laughs. “You think so? Please. I know you better than that. You’re blowing the military’s budget on things like laser tag and crossfit. Hell, we’re taking them to learn ballroom dance next week! You can’t just tell me that it’s for assassination practice. You’re giving the kids a chance to be kids, and get experiences that they never would have gotten otherwise.”

The man bristles at the observation. “So what? They are getting better.”

“I never denied that. What I meant is that you really care for these kids.”

“It’s for the sake of getting the job done. One of them has to finish the mission before the end of the school year.”

“Well, you’ve got to care about them if you’re willing to put in all of this effort.”

“What if I don’t care about them?” He challenges.

“We both know you’d be lying.” She replies, plain and simple. The taxi falls quiet.

And it really is that simple, isn’t it? Giving the kids a chance to be kids before they’re forced to graduate by killing someone so close to them. It’s getting this class to look beyond school, to honing special skills, it’s encouraging them to love learning so that they keep working towards being better people even after they graduate.

Karasuma isn’t just raising assassins. He’s responsible for the next generation of people who are going to change the world with their ideas and actions.

And he’s going to give them the best shot they can get.


	6. Ballroom dancing

“So, you should always work from the outside to the inside when you are eating a fancy Western-style meal. Any questions?” Professor Bitch asks, seated at the head of the table.

“Can I stab someone with the knife?” Maehara asks.

“While it’s sharp enough, it is definitely not good manners to do so in a fine dining establishment.” She responds. “Furthermore, you have different knives for different parts of the meal. Humans are not typically part of the meal.” She smirks. “Unless, of course,” she adds, voice taking on a sultry tone, “you’re building up an appetite for desser-”

“-And I think we’re good here!” Koro-sensei interjects, loud enough to block out the last of her sentence. “Work from outside in, don’t mix your butter knife with your fish knife, tuck in your chair, and don’t mess up which glass holds water and wine! Yup, got it all under control!”

“Was there anything else you had planned in this presentation?” Karasuma asks, looking remarkably at home in his suit.

“Well, make sure your bites are small, so that you can maintain a conversation with people while you eat. Other than that, we can start with lunch!” She chirps.

* * *

“It’s a wonder Karasuma managed to book this place.” Rio says, as she sets her soup spoon on the side of the plate. “Talk about swanky.”

“Oh, he didn’t do this.” Rinka replies. “Professor Bitch arranged the etiquette class.”

A rolled up cloth napkin hits both of them on the head. “No vulgar language in an establishment like this! Call me Miss Jelavic in these situations!” said teacher orders, moving down the tables in search of the next student to correct.

“Guess Karasuma isn’t the only one with connections.” Isogai mutters, from Rio’s left.

“In terms of connections, she’s far better off than I am.” Their other teacher says, pushing in Rinka’s chair as he walks. “I get that you want to have room to swing your legs without kicking the table, but if your chair is pushed out this far, it’s a tripping hazard and it makes you slouch.”

Rio turns her head. “But Mister Karasuma, you’re involved with the Japanese government! You’ve been in charge of all of our weird gym classes so far! Surely you’re selling yourself short!”

“I am not. I work for the government, but that means everyone I interact with is, on some level, scared of what would happen if things go wrong. Take a good look at Irina. This is what a true master of the social scene looks like.”

As they watch their teacher, they notice that Karasuma is right. While Karasuma moves through the room like a fish out of water, forced to socialize as part of his job, Professor Bitch carries herself with a casual nonchalance, like she deserves to be at the center of attention all the time. It’s the little things. The way her hair moves when she walks. The smile she puts on that doesn’t look forced, that reminds them of just how good she is at her job.

“Absolutely terrifying.” Isogai pipes up, from Rio’s left. That earns him a smack from Karasuma’s napkin.

* * *

“Isn’t partner dancing so romantic, Karasuma?”

“No.”

“Well, the octopus would disagree with you!” Irina snaps. “And would it kill you to put a little more oomph in your step while we’re dancing?”

“It probably would. And the octopus’ standards of romance are far from mine.”

* * *

“Gee, Karasuma and Professor Bitch are really hamming it up today.” Ryunosuke mumbles, watching his teachers banter. “She’s used him as a partner for every single dance the instructor has made us do.”

“Got that right, Chiba.” Rinka replies, as she ducks under his arm for a spin. “To be honest, I feel like this whole social dance class was an excuse for her to just hold hands with Karasuma. Sure, having similar heights help you match up the size of your steps, but it’s not the most important part. And why are we learning so many different dances? I’ll forget them all by next week. Like, sure, maybe the waltz is important, but I’d probably only use it for my wedding, not an assassination.”

“Definitely.” He agrees. “But to be perfectly honest, I wouldn’t get married to a waltz. I’d have-”

“Heavy metal blasting out a cover of Here Comes The Bride, I know.” She grins. “But I’d probably throw in at least one waltz, just to keep my parents happy, you know?”

“Yeah. I would too.” Out of the corner of his eye, he spots a familiar yellow face, obscured partly by their teacher. “And Koro-sensei hasn’t even moved from his spot. He’s completely creeping me out by stalking the partners for photos. You’d think he’d know how to shut the flash off, too. We’re not blind. He’s not being stealthy.”

Rinka winks at him and pats his pocket, where his gun is. “Should we put a stop to it?” She whispers.

He grins. “I’ll lead us across the room. If we get underneath the chandelier, we can both get him the next time you go in for a spin.”

“Perfect.”

He avoids their bullets with a comically loud screech, and they find themselves suddenly the subject of his photos, posed accordingly via tentacles.

“Really go for that eye-contact when you dance! Can’t you just feel the chemistry?” He asks, shoving the camera in their faces, his own a smug combination of yellow and green.

“This is payback for trying to assassinate you?” Rinka asks, pulling the fresh flowers out of her hair with her free hand while Ryunosuke spits out the rose that was shoved in his mouth. “And I thought it would be all dramatic, hitting you square in the head and watching you crumple to the ground.”

“It was a good attempt, but try and speak softly next time. When your target has super sensitive ears, you can’t expect him to ignore the blatant death threats you were planning. Besides, killing me while dancing? How cliché. What is this, a Jim Bond movie?”   
“We almost got you.” Chiba says. “Why else did you scream?”

Their teacher snickers. “For the drama of letting you kids think you almost got the drop on me.”

* * *

“Honestly, I still don’t get why we bothered learning all of the different dances.” Ryunosuke says. “If I ever go to America, I guarantee you I will not be seeking out a chance to show off my country line dancing skills.”

“And why did we have to learn all of those other fancy dances?” Rinka adds. “Like, sure, now I know the difference between the cha-cha and the salsa, but again, will I ever use them? Probably not!”

“I agree. Have you got your ticket to the concert tonight, or do we need to stop at your house along the way?”

“Hell yeah, I’ve got my ticket. It’s right here.”

“Then let’s go.”

* * *

“Do you think we can sneak into the back for some autographs? Pretend like we got backstage passes?”

“Please, we’re assassins in training. I think a few doors to get backstage shouldn’t be a problem.”

* * *

“Koro-sensei?”

“Hayami-san? Chiba-kun?”

“What are you doing here?”

“I’m getting my T-shirt signed!”

“But-”

“Hold up.” The lead singer of the band says, trying to free himself from his tentacle prison while looking between the three of them. “You guys all know each other?”


	7. The floor is lava

“The floor is lava.” Koro-sensei announces, a green and yellow pattern on his face.

“Seriously?” Okajima asks, leaning back in his seat. “That’s a child’s game! You’re telling me that Mr. Karasuma finally ran out of people who owe him favours?”

“No.” Karasuma says, wheeling Ritsu out of the room. Once she’s out, he starts taping plastic wrap across the entrance to the classroom. “We’re very serious. The floor is lava, and you’re going to play.”

On cue, Koro-sensei pulls one of Okuda’s latest concoctions from a drawer and chugs it. The class watches in horror as their teacher turns bright red and starts leaking ooze out of every orifice.

“Witness Okuda-san’s latest stroke of genius!” Their teacher announces, as his body continues to liquify. “It turns me into a fluid! With the power of modern science, the floor actually  _ can _ be lava, while it also contains myself!”

The class turns to look at Manami, who is climbing onto her chair to avoid the slime.

“What the hell did you give him?” Kimura asks, as he scrambles onto his desk and wipes the offending sludge from his shoe.

“It wasn’t finished yet!” She calls back. “It was supposed to be a poison, if I just let it sit for a few days under direct sunlight! I don’t know what  _ this _ does, or how long it lasts!”

Kayano jumps up from her own seat and shakes her foot dry. “Okuda, this stuff is really slippery!”

“Relax!” Their semi-solid teacher calls out to them. “My slime continues to be harmless to all of you, it’s just red and more fluid! Therefore, we figured it was the perfect chance to play this game with all of you! Okuda-san! Takebayashi-kun! Are you taking down proper observations?”

Kotaro salutes with his open notebook, already standing on top of his desk. “Yes, sir! It appears Okuda-san’s latest cocktail has made you more fluid, almost as if it has broken the original surface tension of your normal mucus! The new red colour is also indicative of something in there interfering with the yellow wavelengths of light that we normally see from you, similar to how you change your appearance at will!”

Manami stabs the ooze, but nothing happens. “It appears the anti-sensei knives have no effect on him in this state, possibly because we can’t locate his real body through all the slime!”

“And what does that mean for the rest of us?” Sugaya asks, wobbling on his own uneven desk as their teacher spreads across the entire classroom floor.

“It means we get to play a fun little game of survival!” Koro-sensei gleefully announces. “Last one standing wins!”

“Last one standing?” Mimura asks, nervously eyeing those around him.

“Awesome!” Karma replies, eagerly. Without missing a beat, he jumps onto Chiba’s chair and shoves the boy off of the table, right into Koro-sensei’s slime. “Ryunosuke Chiba, you’re out!” He gleefully announces, before looking to the others around him. Possible targets, all of them. He turns to Hazama with a terrifying smile.

Chiba shakes the red from his hair and splashes Karma with some of the slime, as if it’s water. Hazama sneers at him.

“Give it a try, you low-rent anime protagonist. I dare you.”

When Karma lunges, she jumps to Muramatsu’s desk, grabbing hold of his hand for balance. Karma can’t make the landing with his wet shoes, and he slides clean off her desk and into the slime.

From then on, it’s chaos as some classmates work together to stay upright, while others make it a challenge to see how many people they can knock down. Amid all of the chaos, Okuda finds herself laughing.

“What’s so funny?” Sugino asks.

“Guess I can’t make a good enough poison, but this is good, too!” She calls back.

“Aw, don’t say that.” He responds, jumping to another desk to avoid Karma’s grabby hands. “Maybe you just need an expert opinion!”

Okuda blinks. “Maybe I do.”

And then Itona grabs her ankle and pulls her down into the lava. Despite the mess, she doesn't mind.

* * *

“Are you sure about this?”

“Yeah, relax. My brothers told me that as long as you look like you belong, you won’t get caught.”

Okuda steels herself and nods. “Then let’s freakin’ do this.”

This, being the pair entering a university lecture theatre. They walk in, pretending to be those smart kids who start university early at top-notch institutions.

“I hope you all had an excellent long weekend.” The professor at the head of the classroom announces. “Hopefully you took the time to study for our upcoming midterm.”

And so the lecture begins.

“You wanna go up and ask him your questions?” Kotaro asks, once the hour-long lecture is over. "I mean, I barely understood anything that he was talking about. Did you have any luck?"

“Yeah, I think I got about half of it, but I've got some questions about the lecture and the poison too.” Manami replies. “Will you please come with me?”

“Sure.”

They’re about halfway down the stairs in the classroom when a hand grabs onto each of them.

“Someone’s not supposed to be here.” Yasuhiro croons into their ears.

“Saito-senpai!” Kotaro exclaims, twisting out of his grip. “What are you doing here?”

He raises an eyebrow. “It’s a university lecture, and I happen to be the TA. The better question is what you guys are doing here?”

“We-I wanted an expert opinion on a poison for Koro-sensei.” Manami admits. “I searched up this professor’s research interests, and I figured he might be able to help since he knows so much about enzymes.”

Yasuhiro smirks. “No offense, but you might have better luck asking his graduate students. They’re the ones actually in the lab doing the hard work. If the professor knows, I bet you his students are even better at explaining it.”

“Can you introduce us to someone who works in that lab?” She asks.

“You’re looking at one of them.” He grins. “What can I help you with? Poisons?”

“Please.” Kotaro mumbles. “The only poisons you’re familiar with is that sludge that you drink for meals.”

“Don’t joke about my protein shakes, Takebayashi-kun. The results speak for themselves.” He warns.

“Can I at least meet this professor of yours?” Manami asks. “Both of us want to go into science in the future. Is it okay if we start a little early?”

“I don’t see why not, as long as you’re with me.” Yasuhiro replies. “I’ll call it a mentorship thing. I will warn you right now, though, just because Karasuma gave you permission to skip the last class of the day in favour of finding these profs, prepare to be asked why you're not in school.”

* * *

Yasuhiro watches as Okuda practically froths at the mouth upon seeing a real chemistry lab, notices how Takebayashi is hesitant to greet the professors he introduces them to, and genuinely finds himself having fun as he buys them a quick snack at the canteen.

“You’ve collected a few business cards today, haven’t you? Got any ideas for what you want to do in university?”

Okuda nods enthusiastically. “It’s all thanks to you, Saito-senpai!”

“Don’t mention it. I just hope you’ll still love learning when you’re my age. What about you?” He asks Kotaro.

“I’ve always thought I’d follow in my brothers’ footsteps and become a doctor.”

“Is that going to change?”

“I don’t know. That one physical chemist who works with explosives seemed like a lot of fun.”

“He’s got a colleague at Rikadai who does a lot of nuclear research. Do you want me to get you in touch? Keep your options open for now?”

They nod.

“Don’t tell the others, but I think you two are my favourite kids in the assassination classroom.” He admits. “You’re going on my top ten list of experiences for sure.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just in case you're unfamiliar, North American med school applications require a personal essay where you list the top ten experiences in your life that made a positive impact and drove you to pursue medicine. Most people put down leadership experiences, or sports and volunteering events. That's the top ten list that Yasuhiro is referring to.


	8. Swimming

“Get off of Tikktok, Nakamura.”

“Oh, Isogai, you’re no fun!”

“We have a project. You can learn the latest dance craze later.”

Rio sighs, but puts her phone away.

“We could do what Terasaka did.” She starts.

“Stunts?” Kaede asks.

“No thanks.” Kurahashi says.

“But think of the fun! We’d have a blast! And imagine all the attention we’d get from other teens!”

“Will you work on the project if we promise to do a video with you next time we have gym class?” Isogai asks, pleading with her at this rate. She smirks and flips her hair over her shoulder.

“But of course.”

“Good.” Maehara says. “Now hand me the scissors so I can cut out this drawing.”

* * *

“An olympic sized swimming pool!?” Meg asks, excitement clear on her face.

“That’s right. We weren’t going to keep you on the mountain forever. Get ready, the bus will meet us at the base of the mountain in twenty minutes.”

“Hey, Koro-sensei, are you coming with?” Karma asks, fiddling with the safety on his gun. “We could have a grand time trying to kill you. I hear the diving board is fun.”

Their teacher sweats nervously. “No, you’ll be supervised by the other two today. I’m afraid I have… some Italian gelato to eat!”

And with that, he rushes out of the classroom with a gust of wind.

Karma shrugs. "Oh well. It was worth a shot."

* * *

“So I’ve been thinking-” Maehara starts to say.

“Knowing you, that’s a dangerous hobby.” Isogai finishes, accepting the headlock that his friend puts him in.

“About Tikktok. Sure, we can do something with the swimming pool and some parkour, but you know those comedy channels? Why don’t we try one of those?”

“You mean the ones that are always set to bad music?” Kurahashi asks, leaning forward in her seat so they can hear.

“Something like that.”

“Sounds stupid.” Kayano says. “Put a finger down if your teacher is the monster who blew up the moon? Who would even watch something like that?” 

“That’s not a bad idea, to be honest.” Rio says. “I mean, it’s not like anyone would believe us. They’d just think we were making a bad joke.”

“See!” Maehara says. “Rio likes it! She’s smart, so there’s no way this could go wrong!”

“Alright, I’m game.” Rio smiles. “We’re gonna get so many views! Let’s just make it on the bus!”

* * *

“You five. Get out of the pool.” Karasuma says, in a voice that drips with ice.

“What gives?” Kaede asks, as she climbs out and wraps a towel around her torso.

He holds up a cell phone that’s playing the video footage. “The five of you need to have a chat with me about what you put up on the internet.”

“Aw, come on!” Maehara whines. “All we did was market Koro-sensei as a local cryptid! He’s like an urban legend! Like Teke-Teke! We didn’t even show his face!”

“Teke-Teke is a fictional character for parents to keep their kids in line!” Karasuma argues.

“And the guy that blew up the moon doesn’t count as someone to keep kids in line?” Rio asks, eyebrow raised.

“No! Teke-Teke doesn’t get me yelled at by my superiors! Teke-Teke doesn’t actually exist!”

“That’s a little presumptuous of you. Cryptids have feelings, too.”

“Not now, Kurahashi!”

“So, we’ll take the video down. Can we get back into the water?”

“You will take the video down, and you will sit on the side bench for the rest of the afternoon.” He answers. When the group starts complaining, he just waves his arms around. “Your actions have consequences, kids! How else are you supposed to learn?”

“You’re taking away a very valuable learning experience from us by keeping us away from the water, you know.” Kurahashi says quietly. She forces big, wet crocodile tears to spring to her eyes. “I didn’t even get to go on the diving board!”

Karasuma looks a little shell-shocked, so Kayano starts tearing up too.

“The last time I went to a pool this big was when my sister was still around, and she could afford the price for admission.” She adds, wiping her eyes with her towel for effect. “If only she could see me now, kept from aquatic liberty by a cruel teacher! She never took away the chance for a student to learn!”

“I’m not cruel.” Karasuma announces flatly. “I’m disciplining you.”

“Oh, but you really do need to consider yourself in a different light.” Isogai adds, really getting into it. “My family is so poor that this is my first time in an indoor pool. I’d need to work for a month to afford a single day out like this once the bills get paid. Frankly, I'm not sure I'll get this chance again, since our rent is going up.”

“You’re all grounded!” He grumbles, trying to detach himself from the kids, to no avail, since Maehara chooses this opportunity to grab him by the suit jacket.

“He’s starting to sound like a father figure because he cares so much about us!” Maehara sniffles, rubbing his wet hands against his eyes to mimic crying. “He’s trying to be our parent by saying we're grounded!"

"This is so touching!"

"I never knew my own father!”

Eventually, Karasuma gives in and lets them off with a stern warning, and the threat of extra homework, should this happen again. He finishes the lecture by telling them to stick to dance videos, or storytelling that doesn’t involve a global secret. The kids are all smiles as he returns to his spot next to a reclined Irina.

“Softie.” She mutters. “I warned you.”


	9. Escape room

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yes, I'm giving you a valentines-adjacent chapter at the start of November, why do you ask?  
> I do what I want :P

“Hey, thanks so much for helping me out, Kimura-kun, Honda-senpai.”

“No problem, Hara-san. Just a bunch of Valentines day chocolates. How hard could it be?” Kimura asks.

“Don’t have to thank us. I think this will be fun!” Ren chirps. “Can we make some hot chocolate bombs, by the way? I’ve always wanted to try them out!”

“Of course we can!” Sumire responds. “Hey, Ritsu? Do you mind pulling up a recipe for those?”

“Sure!” Ritsu announces, showing up on Sumire’s laptop screen and opening a few new search tabs. “I’ve already done a quick web search, and scanned your fridge for ingredients. Looks like we’re going with the easy approach of melted and reshaped chocolates, right? Nothing super fancy?”

“That’s right, Ritsu. I love cooking, but making enough treats for the entire class is a little too much, even for me.”

“No problem! I’ve also looked up this super simple tutorial on how to temper the chocolate so that it looks nice and shiny!”

“Perfect!” Masayoshi says. “I’m thinking we can blend some BB’s into a pink powder and use strawberry flavouring to fool Koro-sensei into eating them!”

“That’s not a bad idea.” Ren says. “Have we got any strawberry flavouring?”

“We have jam.” Ritsu says, showing them a picture of the inside of the fridge. “About half a jar’s worth. Do you think we could mix it with chocolate without it breaking?”

“Probably not.” Sumire groans. “Chocolate is super sensitive to water, and I feel like jam might be pushing the limit.”

“Hey, we can always give it a try, right?” Ren says, patting her on the back. “Whatever fails just means we get more for ourselves to eat, yeah? It’s the process that makes it fun!”

“You’re absolutely right, Honda-san!” Ritsu nods. “Let’s make some candy!”

* * *

“So, Honda-senpai, did you ever make chocolates when you were in school?” Sumire asks, as she puts a thermometer into the bowl of melted chocolate.

She laughs. “No, my parents told me to focus on school to try and get into the A class.”

“Oh, were you in-”

“I was in B-class, Kimura-san.”

“That’s nothing!” he replies, giving his own bowl a quick stir. “We’re in E-class! Your parents had nothing to worry about!”

“Well, there’s always something for parents to worry about.” Ren replies, adding seed chocolate into her bowl. “They’re my parents. It’s just what they do. Can’t blame them for wanting me to be the best. Besides, sort of hard to give chocolate to girls you like when they believe it’s just an act of friendship or courtesy, anyways. The whole tradition of giving chocolates just becomes so restricting. Never found much fun in these holidays that focused on couples, you know?”

Ritsu nods. “It must be truly frustrating sometimes. Makes me stressed just thinking about it, and I’m an android! Hara-san, you can throw your seed chocolate in now.”

“Got it, thanks!”

“So did you… come out?”

“Not to my parents or the rest of my family, Kimura. My close friends know, but other than that I tend to keep it to myself and to whoever I’m dating at the moment. My dad would assume I’m joking, and then disown me once he realized I was being serious. My mom would just cry and start setting me up with her coworkers’ sons, in a desperate attempt to turn me straight. Not exactly my scene, as you can probably imagine.” Ren starts pouring her chocolate into molds shaped like hearts and stars and tapping the bubbles out. “I’m proud of who I am, but I just don’t find a reason to broadcast it to people who would hurt me in the end. Isn’t it the same way with assassination? Keeping your cards close to your chest until you’re sure of who you can trust?”

“I guess.” Masayoshi mutters. “Don’t you ever feel like you aren’t living your true life though, being stuck in the closet like this?”

“That’s right.” Sumire says. “Once you come out, aren’t you supposed to come out to everyone around you, all the time?”

“Nope!” Ren sings. “I do it for me, whenever I feel like it, and I definitely don’t do it all the time. That would be exhausting, can you even imagine it? Although I suppose I’m only so happy due to my friends supporting me. My true life is how I live, and being a queer Japanese woman isn’t going to change anything about it. The truth is, most people don’t care much about your personal life unless you force them to. So instead of worrying about what other people might think about me, I try my best to just live a normal life and be proud of who I am. That’s some useful advice for your class as well.” She adds. “Although assassination is slightly different than something like a humanities degree.”

“Does living on your own help a little?” Ritsu asks. “And being in a bigger city instead of a smaller town? Are you getting enough support from those around you?”

“For sure, Ritsu. Living on my own is helpful, since I don’t have to worry about getting kicked out, and a bigger city is nice, because it’s almost like other people don’t care about your personal business as much. One nosy landlady in the city isn’t halfway as bad as the small town chatty aunt who runs the fish stall and gives your mom the best catch of the day, you know?”

Sumire nods. “It was like that when our family moved to the city too.”

“I’m a born and raised city-slicker.” Masayoshi announces. “This is normal to me. I’m so confused right now.”

Ritsu laughs. “And I was born five months ago!”

* * *

“You’re giving yours to Kurahashi?”

“What?”

“Don’t think I don’t know about it.” Sumire grins. “I see the way you look at her when she’s elbow deep in some bug habitat. She could explain ant pheromones to you and you’d still hang on to her every word.”

“That’s because she makes it actually interesting for a change!” Kimura defends, pointing at the box of chocolates in her own hands. “And what about you, Hara-san? I know you’re planning to give those to Yoshida!”

She laughs, gripping onto the table for support. “No! we’ve been friends since childhood. No way I’m interested in someone who wet the bed until the sixth grade every time we watched a horror movie together.”

“He did?” Ren asks, trying to picture a younger Yoshida screaming at a TV screen, clinging to Hara with tears in his eyes. The picture doesn’t seem to make sense in her head.

“You didn’t hear it from me.” She replies with a wink.

* * *

“Good morning and happy valentines day, class!” Koro-sensei announces, to the class full of tired students. He motions to the empty table. “Where are all of the sweets for the teacher?”

3-E tries their hardest to look guilty.

“Nobody brought sweets for teacher??” Koro-sensei whines, even looking to the other adults in the room. “Not even courtesy chocolates from you, Irina?”

The woman smiles smugly. “Nope. I got a mountain of chocolates, wines, flowers and… other gifts from all of my admirers, but I can’t be bothered to share today.”

“She gave me a box of chocolate liqueurs as a courtesy.” Karasuma announces, holding it out, wrestling against her attempts to grab them back. “You want it?”

“Absolutely not!” Koro-sensei replies. “It’s setting a bad influence for children if they realize the teacher they’re supposed to treat as a role model participates in unbecoming activities such as alcoholism!”

“He’s addicted to sweets.” Taiga points out. “I feel like we take that more seriously than him slamming some alcohol once in a while.”

“He does realize he’s a six-foot tall yellow octopus and none of us take him that seriously, right?” Rio asks. Koro-sensei bursts into tears.

“All those years of hard work and my students can’t even be bothered to look up to me? I must be a terrible educator!” He wails.

Sumire and Masayoshi share a nod.

“We made some for you over the weekend!” They announce, holding up the “strawberry flavoured” pink chocolates and trying their best to look like innocent students.

Koro-sensei fixes them with a glare. “Those are poisoned! I can smell poison!” His face turns green and yellow. “That does it! You have all pushed me too far!”

With a flash, he’s out of the classroom.

“Your objective is… escape the room!” He announces, seconds later over the PA system. Everyone looks down to find a separate puzzle on their desk, and the doors and windows heavily padlocked.

“He wants us to solve an escape room for gym class today?” Ritsu groans. “I can’t even participate in those because I don’t have hands!”

“It’s fine, Ritsu. You can tell us how to solve the problems, and we can work through the rest together!” Kayano says, gently patting the side of the supercomputer. “But where did Karasuma and Professor Bitch go?”

* * *

“And for the teachers… a little extra edge to the escape room is in order.”

“Wow, Karasuma, look at the size of that bed!”

“You damn octopus! Why does this room look less like an escape room and more like a love hotel?!”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *Sneakily slides back into writing this with the final 2 chapter update*  
> Sorry, y'all. Productivity took a huge hit, but at least I'm happy to say that everything's done now.


	10. The mountain is lava

“So, I’ve been thinking-”

“Knowing your pervy brain, it’s about busty anime girls-”

“Shut up, Mimura. I was thinking we could make a story about what we’re going through. A typical shounen, coming of age tale, you know?”

“I think you’re full of shit, Okajima.”

“Can it, Fuwa. I’m just saying, what we’ve been doing this past year? Totally matches up with the shounen formula. We’ve got the lovable panel of characters, the contrast of Giri against Ninjo, the whole thing about Koro-sensei encouraging us to do our best with the help of our friends? Tell me I’m not the only one who’s seeing all of this come together!”

“You’re not exactly wrong,” Sosuke starts, “but you’re forgetting that last time Nakamura and them got busted hard by Karasuma for leaking alleged government secrets on TikkTokk.”

“Come on, Sugaya!” Taiga continues arguing. “Literally all of the pieces fall into place! The call to adventure when Koro-sensei is first introduced to our class! The initial refusal by everyone to accept him as our teacher!”

“The initiation and training montages we all go through with gym class.” Yuzuki deadpans.

“The rivalry between Nagisa and Karma!” Taiga continues, oblivious to Fuwa’s contribution. “And lastly, the return to a better world that we help to create!”

“We haven’t gotten to that last step yet, dummy.” Yuzuki mutters. "He might still blow up the Earth."

“Now that you mention it… it does seem almost too good to be true.” Sosuke says. “It’s almost like our lives have just followed this perfect formula up till now, with these tropes of struggling against something, working hard and ending up with better character development in the end. Is this normal? Do normal Japanese teenagers do this kind of stuff?”

“Knowing Honda and Saito-senpai, probably not.” Koki says. “But is this even a shounen? We’re not nearly as violent or dark as most manga for kids our age. Unless we cater to a younger crowd that are curious about what middle school is like?”

Sosuke scoffs. “Considering our main objective is to murder our teacher in cold blood before graduation, I’d say this gives us some pretty good chances in the dark and violent department, Mimura. But couldn’t we argue that this is more shoujo than we might like? Koro-sensei’s pretty emotional.”

“How the hell are young girls supposed to empathize with the emotional state of an octopus?” Koki replies. “He’s an octopus with tiny eyes. Not exactly the thing you’d find in shoujo, since the girls always have glittery eyes the size of dinner plates.”

“This is definitely not shoujo.” Yuzuki adds. “None of the boys in this class are pretty enough for shoujo fanservice.”

“I really shouldn’t have to remind you that Karma, Kataoka, Isogai, and Nagisa get lots of attention back at the main campus.”

“That’s a small amount of us! Statistical outliers!” She shoots back. “No one else is hot enough!”

“Let’s just make it as a fun school project then.” Taiga suggests.

“Why the hell would I do something for school that’s not for marks?” Sosuke asks. “Extra effort? No thanks.”

“Different adaptations, all of us roasting our classmates and our teachers. If we succeed in killing Koro-sensei at the end of the year, we might even be able to get published or sign on to make documentaries or something! We’ll outsell Anne Franklin!”

“Are you comparing us selling a crazy manga adaptation about our crazy year to the diary of a girl and her family trying their best to escape the Nazis?” Yuzuki scoffs. “Dude, not cool.”

“That’s not what I meant!”

“Sounds dumb as shit.” Koki says. “I’m in.”

“See! Mimura’s on my side!”

“I still think it’s stupid, and so does Fuwa.”

“A-men.” She chimes.

“Oh, yeah?” Taiga challenges. “Then let’s turn it into a competition! We’ll both document today’s gym class, and have the class vote on the finished products. If they like what Mimura and I have, then the two of you are helping us make it into a full production once we graduate!”

“And if we win,” Yuzuki announces, grin on her face, “You have to admit that it’s a dumb idea in front of the class and we never speak of it again.”

They stick their hands out and shake.

* * *

“Behold Okuda’s latest poison!” Koro-sensei gleefully announces. Scared eyes jump between the relaxed Okuda, and the yellow being chugging the bright green solution down.

Instantly, Koro-sensei begins to liquify.

“Oh, great, another day of shoving classmates into some slime. I’ve been waiting for another day like this.” Karma announces, dryly.

“Wrong, my boy!” Koro-sensei laughs. “Not only is the floor lava, but I have enough slime today to coat the whole mountain! The mountain is lava, and you all have thirty seconds to get out of this classroom and onto the trees! It’s every kid for themself!”

Professor Bitch, ever the strategist, decides to climb onto Karasuma’s back instead. “Oh no, Karasuma. The floor is lava. Whatever will I do.” She says, sarcastically, one hand around his broad shoulders and the other exploring unabashedly, legs curling around his waist.

“You could stop groping me, for starters.”

Her tone goes sharp and pointed in an instant. “Absolutely not! I’m gonna grope you harder! I’m gonna hang on and I won’t let go until you apologize! How dare you speak in that way to me? Do you even know who I am? What I can do to you like this?”

Her shrill voice fades away as the students escape through the window and run off to different corners of the mountain.

* * *

“Not fair, you guys have the advantage of a camera here!” Yuzuki complains, leaping onto a branch while Okajima and Mimura snap photos and videos.   
“That’s hardly true!” Koki argues back. “You have Sugaya!”

Sure enough, he had emptied out his water bottle and scooped up some of Koro-sensei’s slime. “I’ll put this in a sculpture. Or maybe I’ll use it as an oil-based paint? Not sure yet, but I’m keeping it!”

"There's no way in hell we're letting you win this!"

"We're not stepping down just because of a little trash-talk!"

“What’s this?” Koro-sensei’s curious voice looms over the four classmates. “Recording things? Collecting samples? Gathering evidence? You’d better hope that I don’t send Karasuma your way for violating government protocol for top secret things!”

The slime around them turns yellow and green as their teacher snickers.

“Please, Koro-sensei!” Okajima pleads. “Don’t tell Karasuma!”

“I’ve already texted him your location.” He replies. “If you want to evade capture and a harsh scolding, I suggest you all flee.”

And they scatter just like that, leaving Koro-sensei free to find more students to terrorize on the mountain top they all call home.

* * *

Three months after graduation, when the world finally starts learning to relax again, Karasuma looks onto his desk. A signed copy of the latest issue of Shounen Jump! rests there, alongside a polaroid of the class, hamming it up for the camera in front of the old school building.

“Dear Karasuma,

Hope you enjoy our latest step in leaking government “secrets” to the general public. For all we know, they might not even believe us!

Keep this in some elevated area. After all, the floor is lava!

Love,

3E”

He looks up at the sky, where the crescent moon is hanging pale in the warm glow of the rising sun.

“Those damned kids.” He mutters, to an empty room that feels packed with warmth and pride. “You’d be proud of them.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> That's a wrap! Thanks for sticking through it with me!


End file.
